My journey towards finding love is getting bleaker each day. But maybe, that is not what I am looking for. I guess that finally I have come to a realization, an admission that though people are all giving me a red signal on my still being single at my age, I really do not desire to find a man.
When I turned 30 in May 2008, my friends and colleagues started to express their worries because I wasn't married yet. Heck, I never even had a boyfriend. So I guess the pressure got the best of me and I started to open up myself to other people more. But the problem was, I was always either at home or at work, nowhere else. Going out isn't my thing and it's not even that I'm not sociable. I just love being in the house. And in the workplace, there was just work, work, work.
So one evening, while browsing through one of my social media accounts, I chanced upon an old classmate of mine who was living abroad. After a constant exchange of messages, he asked if I wanted to allow him to be romantic with me. I paused a long time and eventually said yes. So the next day, I told my officemates about it and they congratulated me for finally getting a boyfriend. Call me naive but honestly I didn't think of it that way. I actually thought he wanted to court me. Stupid me.
Anyway, so this boyfriend of mine was thousands of miles away from me but he promised to come home and eventually marry me. I guess at that point, I was more excited at the idea of getting married than actually getting to know the person I was having a relationship with. He often called me up and I liked talking to him except when he was getting a little bit out of line which I'm not going to mention anymore.
As a woman, there are things that I value so much, but I guess as a man, he couldn't fully respect. I understood him but it was hard to accept his character. We were different in so many ways. I did try to embrace our differences but I guess not for too long because one night he called me up in the drunken state he always was, paranoid and jealous, said he wanted to break up with me. Without hesitation, I accepted.
The following morning, he called and asked what he said the previous night. I told him he wanted us to break up and that I agreed. He then said he didn't mean it, that he was drunk. But I guess, I was actually waiting for that chance to free myself from him. Not because I disliked him but because I was in that relationship for the wrong reason, that I needed to be in a relationship more than I wanted to be with a man.
When I watched the Korean version of Fated to LoveYou, I felt like Kim Miyoung a lot of times. I'm never able to say no to anyone. I couldn't break up with him even if I was getting hurt by his actions. When he asked for a breakup, I grabbed the chance. The hardest part was convncing him to let go. After that, I avoided his calls.
Looking back, I truly feel sorry. He was always apologetic for his actions but I guess it was my fault too. I know I should have tried to love him. Because if I did try a bit then I would have accepted his flaws. Then I would have helped him become a better person. Bottom line. You have to love someone first before you get into a relationship. Love comes first. I should have known better.
And maybe, I wasn't the right woman for him. Maybe I wasn't meant to change him. Maybe I wasn't ready yet. Maybe I'm still not ready now. How can I be ready when all I think of right this moment is this crazy obsession with Jang Hyuk? And I'm getting worse by the day. Haha. But really, these crazy little things make me happy.
When I hear people complain about being single and lonely, I'd often wonder, does marriage equate happiness? Because as far as I'm concerned I've always been happy and satisfied. I have the love of my family and friends. Some people are married yet they are living in despair.
I would love to get married of course. I still pray that someday I'd get to have my own family. But if I keep reminding myself to find someone, then I will be missing out on a lot of great things that are coming my way and lose sight of what this life is about and that is to live life happily.
When I turned 30 in May 2008, my friends and colleagues started to express their worries because I wasn't married yet. Heck, I never even had a boyfriend. So I guess the pressure got the best of me and I started to open up myself to other people more. But the problem was, I was always either at home or at work, nowhere else. Going out isn't my thing and it's not even that I'm not sociable. I just love being in the house. And in the workplace, there was just work, work, work.
So one evening, while browsing through one of my social media accounts, I chanced upon an old classmate of mine who was living abroad. After a constant exchange of messages, he asked if I wanted to allow him to be romantic with me. I paused a long time and eventually said yes. So the next day, I told my officemates about it and they congratulated me for finally getting a boyfriend. Call me naive but honestly I didn't think of it that way. I actually thought he wanted to court me. Stupid me.
Anyway, so this boyfriend of mine was thousands of miles away from me but he promised to come home and eventually marry me. I guess at that point, I was more excited at the idea of getting married than actually getting to know the person I was having a relationship with. He often called me up and I liked talking to him except when he was getting a little bit out of line which I'm not going to mention anymore.
As a woman, there are things that I value so much, but I guess as a man, he couldn't fully respect. I understood him but it was hard to accept his character. We were different in so many ways. I did try to embrace our differences but I guess not for too long because one night he called me up in the drunken state he always was, paranoid and jealous, said he wanted to break up with me. Without hesitation, I accepted.
The following morning, he called and asked what he said the previous night. I told him he wanted us to break up and that I agreed. He then said he didn't mean it, that he was drunk. But I guess, I was actually waiting for that chance to free myself from him. Not because I disliked him but because I was in that relationship for the wrong reason, that I needed to be in a relationship more than I wanted to be with a man.
When I watched the Korean version of Fated to LoveYou, I felt like Kim Miyoung a lot of times. I'm never able to say no to anyone. I couldn't break up with him even if I was getting hurt by his actions. When he asked for a breakup, I grabbed the chance. The hardest part was convncing him to let go. After that, I avoided his calls.
Looking back, I truly feel sorry. He was always apologetic for his actions but I guess it was my fault too. I know I should have tried to love him. Because if I did try a bit then I would have accepted his flaws. Then I would have helped him become a better person. Bottom line. You have to love someone first before you get into a relationship. Love comes first. I should have known better.
And maybe, I wasn't the right woman for him. Maybe I wasn't meant to change him. Maybe I wasn't ready yet. Maybe I'm still not ready now. How can I be ready when all I think of right this moment is this crazy obsession with Jang Hyuk? And I'm getting worse by the day. Haha. But really, these crazy little things make me happy.
When I hear people complain about being single and lonely, I'd often wonder, does marriage equate happiness? Because as far as I'm concerned I've always been happy and satisfied. I have the love of my family and friends. Some people are married yet they are living in despair.
I would love to get married of course. I still pray that someday I'd get to have my own family. But if I keep reminding myself to find someone, then I will be missing out on a lot of great things that are coming my way and lose sight of what this life is about and that is to live life happily.
