Finding You

It's been a while since my last post. I wasn't planning to create a post until I chanced upon a French book I bought a few months ago and it gave me this idea of tracing the past owner of that book which I treasure so much. Well, I'm a sentimental person and I figure, the writing done on the notes page of the book just spoke of the honest feelings of the person who wrote it. And it also spoke so much about faith in the Lord which touched my heart deeply.

I would love to know how that person is doing now...So I'm going to type in exactly as it was written on the book hoping, keeping my fingers crossed that he/she will get to read this and remember having written it. Coincidentally, this coming January 9th will mark the 15th year it was written. I really hope he/she is doing well now. This letter actually inspired me to write again.

Living Language: Conversational French (Revised and Updated, 1993)

January 9, 1997 @6pm (cst)

"In the twilight hour, the light slowly drowned across the horizon. Underneath, the peaceful lights glowed from the city skyline. All is quiet, all so peaceful and serene. The promise of Him continually proven itself day in and day out. I am humble and appreciative of His love for this world, His creation. On the personal level, I have been praying for His guidance and forgiveness. I knew I should have listened to Him, but my own heart betrays my will. Now everything is too late. I have started something, a one way trip..."

Time flies too quickly. The last thing I remember I was trying to book a flight to HongKong. Now it's actually just a couple of days away. I've always had a fear of flying so it's pretty darn hard to imagine what I'm going through these days especially knowing that it's just days before I get to fly once again. Geez. Anyways, I'm so thrilled to travel again. Getting to hang out in a completely different place, meet so many different people, eat numerous exotic dishes...that's the life of living!

Praying as early as today that my friends and I will have a safe and blessed trip. And also, I pray that God will keep my family and loved ones just as safe as I make that trip.

So excited!

God is good all the time!

Nobody will ever know how long our journey will last. Every moment we spend as if there's no tomorrow. After the incident my family got involved in yesterday, I suddenly realized indeed every minute we spend on this earth is precious and that we can never assume that there will always be another tomorrow.

Yesterday, on our way to a kiddie party in Angeles City, our tire exploded while we were trudging the NLEX. As soon as our van stopped, a big truck came fast approaching and for a moment, all we could do was stare as it seemed intent to collide with our vehicle.

I was seated at the back along with my two aunts. The direction of the truck was actually on my side, the tire that blew out was at my side as well...I looked behind the moment we stopped. It felt as if I was looking at the face of death. I didn't move a single bit. I didn't scream. I couldn't. All I ever thought of was, "I'm ready for this...this is it."

But by a miracle of God, the truck driver made a full stop. It was merely a few inches. If he made a minute mistake with that sudden stop, it would have been the end for us.

It took hours before I could make sense of that incident. I was urging everyone in that van to stay positive...but my heart wasn't feeling all that well either. It kept haunting me even in my sleep. I cried last night before going to bed. My dad hugged me and thanked the heavens I was saved. Though we have had differences before, I know how much he loves me...He was so afraid of me most specially because I was the first person that would have been hit if the truck didn't stop.

Next month is my 33rd birthday. It's Christ's age that I'm entering. I've had other near-death experiences before but this tops them all. I wonder why I'm always saved. Maybe I'm still here for a reason. Maybe God has a bigger mission for me.

Whatever it is, I'm just happy for the gift of life. I'm happy I was able to love my family and friends and was loved by them as well. I don't know how long my road continues but no matter how far it takes me, I'll always be thankful to God because in those moments I needed him, he never, never left me.

God is good all the time!

another mushy poem

i'd like to see the smile of the skies
blossom in your eyes
i'd like to feel the warmth of your embrace
in the cold and dark of the night.

the tranquility in your breath
defeats the fear in my head.
you are you...
you are the reason that i long to.

a really old post from my other blog: Zandro (Feb. 17, 2007)

Still can't get enough of the episode in tonight's Maalaala Mo Kaya. I don't know, for some reason I compare myself to the female character's struggle with falling in love for the first time. Nah, I don't think what I felt then was indeed love. It was probably just infatuation, my own experience of a first crush…

I remember it so well. It was in 1992. I was 13, a high school freshman. He was 16, a high school senior. I remember how he looked like then. Small, chinky-eyed, fair skinned with a cute smile… I adored everything about him, though I never got to talk to him. Ah, I did but let me elaborate on a few more details before I proceed to that encounter.

The first time I ever saw him…honestly, I can't recall. My liking didn't spring from any physical attraction although later on, I realized he actually had a pretty face to begin with. Haha. But then, I liked him not because of that pretty face of his. I admired him because he was different.

Studying in a public school, where any place within the vicinity could serve as a classroom for students, the sort of classroom for his senior section was literally placed behind the slightly elevated room us, the freshmen were occupying. Anyway, I would always peek into their class because it was much easier to peep into them than to focus my attention to our teacher whose voice I barely heard. After a while, I noticed this guy who always listened attentively to his teacher and showed great enthusiasm in the discussion each and every time. That was far from what I was doing really, I had a very short attention span. I guess I still do up to now. Haha.

Okay, to continue with my story, this guy caught my attention. I couldn't tell how he looked like from afar. Haha. But I did have a friend who knew him instantly as soon as I pinpointed him. His name, my friend said was Zandro. At that time, he was the only guy I ever knew with that name. I guess, until now he's the only one…

So everyday, I was content with observing his every gesture, his every movement…and I had fun watching him. He was always reading and studying even when his friends were outside, bullying other students. He had a circle of friends but he wasn't like anyone of them. He was always quiet and reserved. Made me think, how on earth did his friends accept him in their club in the first place? Then I realized, it wasn't hard to like a man like him.

Zandro always had a notebook and a book with him. During recess, I'd find him reading in one corner while his friends ate like mad dogs. Then I found out something which made me like him even more. My friend who knew him because her brother was Zandro's close friend and classmate told me about his family's humble background.

The guy comes from a poor family and to help in the livelihood, Zandro worked in the afternoon selling fish and vegetables in the wet market. He was there to help his mother. That was probably the reason why I often saw him skip meals. Poor boy but his mother was so lucky to have him indeed!

My friend, after a few months informed me that her brother mentioned Zandro about me. I said, "Why did you let him know of me?" My friend only smiled, "I'll introduce you to him." I angrily resisted, "No!"

Things happened too fast. I just realized, I was standing in front of the guy I liked so much. Yes, it was Zandro who was placed in front of me. He was smiling the whole time. Maybe he knew about my "infatuation" for him. I really wouldn't know what was playing on his mind then. I smiled then he said something like, "Hi, nice to meet you."

I thought I was going to die. Goodness! That was it, then I had to go because my mother was waiting for me outside. I bid him goodbye. In my head, I thought, 'Ah there will be other chances. I'll meet him again. At least he knew me already.'

Unfortunately, it would be the last time I'd ever see him. A few days later, my family suddenly moved to our new house in Caloocan. The days went by I couldn't stop crying. There were so many questions lingering in my head at that time. Why did it have to end that way? I felt as if, there was no closure to our story that merely started when we got introduced to one another. If I didn't leave, probably something could have worked out.

I cried and cried and cried until my eyes got sore. I even had a theme song for him. At that time, Donna Cruz' version of "Boy" was a huge hit on the airwaves. I'd always listen to it every single day. Whenever I did, I always cried.

Today, Zandro is just a part of a distant memory. He's the first guy I ever liked, that's a fact. I liked him because he was a good son, a good student and a good man. I don't know where he is now. The last I heard of him, around '95, he was a working student who enrolled in a vocational school. You see, he really had a will to survive.

I feel nostalgic because I remember my youth through him. I was very innocent. Somehow a part of me is still young and innocent no matter how old I get. I can't totally say that I've grown to be a good person. I can only promise that I have tried to be a good daughter to my parents, a good sister to my brother and a good friend to my peers…Something that I have patterned after Zandro's good example.

I miss the guy.

how come
the sun always shines
when you're around?
how come
it doesn't rain
when you're standing proud?


do you have any power
over the forces of nature?
or do you just merely
have that much power
over me?

Falling in Love

Falling in love starts with a smile, grows with laughter, crosses the bridge with tears and practically drives along with wonder. It takes two willing individuals to make it work or it will crumble no matter how much they love one another.

Have a little faith!

I don't understand why some people get depressed whenever Valentine's Day comes and they're single. For me, love is experienced every day of my life even in the smallest of act, the simplest of word and the purest of thought.

I feel that with or without a man, I am already complete. Having a partner will be more like an incentive, a sort of an assurance for a life-long companion, a person to grow old with, to share laughter and tears with...But even without one, I feel contented because of the love I'm getting from my family and friends.

Happiness is a state of mind. You either choose to be happy or you choose to be sad. How do you look at a glass of water? Chances are, you'll see it as half-empty if you keep searching for better things but fail to appreciate all the good stuff you have.

I don't want to worry about not having a significant other for I know it will come when I'm ready for it. God always has a right timing for things because he knows us more than we'll ever know ourselves. All he asks of us is to have a little faith.