Prologue

In My Life

I was blind not to have seen the beauty in you,

and failed to see the importance of your love for me.

Now I regret each moment lost,

each passing day that’s wasted without you.

From now on, I’ll be holding on to a dream,

that each moment of my life,

you will serve as my light.

I’ll be wishing you’d come back to me.

then I won’t have to be lonely.

He who excites me with his every step. He who makes my heart leap with each glance...isn't who the Lord wants for me, so I'm giving up. He who delights me is somebody else' angel and I'm giving up on my wish.

I guess that maybe when God answers prayers, he does it in huge, colossal ways but when he doesn't grant one, he answers us in painful, challenging ways. It's a big NO for the man I have been wishing for all this time. I surrender.

Maybe I'll find another one who fits my idea of a good partner and then I'll pray that it's him. If not...I'll know for sure. Then I'll hope once again because I trust that God will give me someone I rightfully deserve.

I'm staging a comeback after one month of hiatus. Finally, I'm having the "will" to write on this blog again.

First off, we finally made our trip to Potipot Island last June 2nd and it was so much fun. We even plan on going there again sometime this year. Second and more importantly, I'm finally doing something worthwhile in my spare time. The first few months of this year have been routinely about surfing the net and going to work. Now I get to do more interesting stuff like play the guitar, read short stories, draw portraits, sing karaoke, massage my brother and even cut my father's hair. On top of that, I get to watch summer Hollywood releases which I found all as entertaining.

I love my life now, far different from how I felt a month ago before I could turn 30. You see, I used to really be scared at the thought of reaching this age. Not because I'm afraid to grow old and to add another year but the social implications of being 30 and single can really be intimidating.

When I was young, I dreamed of getting married at 30. But it didn't happen. Most people tell me to start doing something about my being single. Well, at this age, I guess I have come to a point where it doesn't really matter when I'll settle down.

I don't lose the dream. There's hope of course that I'll soon find my significant other. But it's not my priority. I have family and friends who love me. That's what matters now. I have a job and hopefully I'll have the courage to show the world what I got, God willing.

MY BIRTHDAY

This special day only happens once a year. Yes, it's my birthday and I'm happy that I still have my family. My wishes are continuous good health for me and my family, happiness, peace, love and understanding. And if God permits, it would really be wonderful if I finally find my significant other.

Maya

Finally, I'm taking initial steps at achieving my childhood dream of learning to play the guitar. Yes, I can play a few songs already. That's after several hours of practicing inside my room. It also helps that I have an officemate who teaches and inspires me to play better every time. I can already play a few tunes, although my strumming still sucks. Ah but I will learn it. I promise to be better. Here are the songs I can play:

Let it Be
I Want to Grow Old with You
Honestly
Hawak Kamay
Always Be My Baby


I own a Maya acoustic guitar. Tried to search for info on it but I couldn't find any except that it's a Japanese brand. Oh well, I still love it whatever is written about it. It sounds great even if sometimes the one playing it doesn't. Haha.

My new best friend of course is my guitar. I love my Maya. Para akong nag-promote ah. Nyahaha!!!!

Our trip

After several attempts at saving our planned Potipot trip, I guess it all comes down to unconditional surrender. Yes, it's true. This will be the first time in three years that the family won't have a summer outing but maybe...maybe there's a reason behind it.

Last week, just when everything else has been planned and worked out for our trip, a typhoon struck the very place we were supposed to be directed to. I'm not trying to be a fatalist but it was probably not meant to happen. So, we had to reschedule the trip and move it to a later week which is supposed to be today. Anyway, people from the resort we booked texted us as early as Thursday afternoon informing us that still they had no power supply. My brother actually didn't mind. He was willing to continue with trip with or without electricity. The resort owners on the other hand wouldn't allow us.

Well, it turns out that till last night, the resort still had no power supply so there...The trip was canceled again. Allan was extremely pissed of course. He truly wanted this trip. He wined about the typhoon, the power interruption, the unwillingness of the resort people to let us in. He even blamed God for the weather. Oh, God forgive him please.

At the beginning of the planning of this trip, I had as much enthusiasm as Allan did. I've been to Potipot with him a year ago. Thanks to a company outing they had for which I was allowed to tag along. Last week, I got a little frustrated. I felt the same way Allan felt. It was like, this was all we wanted for the family and here comes one typhoon to ruin it.

But then, looking at the brighter side of it...Maybe God didn't really want us to have this trip. Maybe, there's a big plan for all this and all we see now are the minute frustrations we're having. Maybe, God is testing us how much faith we have even in times when He doesn't grant us our wishes. What if in not allowing us to go, God is actually sparing us our lives? I really wouldn't know. Right now, I do not wish to question God's will. I accept it with all my heart because I know God is always fair and just.

If I Could

If I could only say
what I truly think
If I could only express
what I truly feel
I would have done
If only to have you beside me.

If I could only be near you
so as to keep you from being away
If I could only unlock your mystery
so as to stop building my curiosity
I would have done
If only you’d given me an opportunity.

But you’re too closed
within your walls
And you never gave me a chance to see
how worthy you can truly be.

You Are Iris

You are an interesting blend of fun and wisdom. You definitely make people think about themselves and their place in the world. But they'll have fun doing it. You definitely epitomize laughter therapy. You are a very enriching and entertaining friend!

What Color Purple Are You?

Your Brain Usage Profile: Auditory : 22%
Visual : 77%
Left : 42%
Right : 57%

karen, you are somewhat right-hemisphere dominant and have a strong visual preference, a blend of characteristics which typically apply to persons with an "artistic" temperament. In all likelihood, you naturally act in the way that people have come to expect artists to act. With your dominant visual learning style you are active and seeking, working to absorb all of the facets of your environment. Your mind rarely rests, for even when you are not scouring the environment you are turning your searchlight on your own internal processes. You are intense! In continually processing the data as you do on a multidimensional level, you spend little of your time in reflection -- or sometimes in social niceties. There is a high probability that you are "out of check" -- though not out of control -- sometimes, swept away by the feelings of the moment. You are one of those individuals that may well attempt to assemble a complex piece of equipment without reading the directions or following a sequence, though you might look at the diagram. Sequencing your own behavior is problematic at times. You are rarely reflective about yourself or your motivations. You know when things are right because you feel it, you intuit as automatically as you breathe. With others, you tend to "go with your guts," not needing rules or expectations to govern your friendships. You absorb material rapidly and randomly, it is filed "helter skelter" internally. Listening or learning from materials presented in a purely verbal fashion is not your "strong suit" and your performance in situations designed for left-hemisphere dominant persons will not always measure up to the expectations of others. If you have particular learning needs, it is to sequence material and remain focused while you are processing, to develop "structuring" techniques, and to become more efficient with your spontaneity and creativity. source: mindmedia.com

Are You Left-Brained or Right-Brained?

Your percentage score for the right brain is 51%. Your percentage score for the left brain is 49%.

You are more right-brained than left-brained. The right side of your brain controls the left side of your body. In addition to being known as right-brained, you are also known as a creative thinker who uses feeling and intuition to gather information. You retain this information through the use of images and patterns. You are able to visualize the "whole" picture first, and then work backwards to put the pieces together to create the "whole" picture. Your thought process can appear quite illogical and meandering. The problem-solving techniques that you use involve free association, which is often very innovative and creative. The routes taken to arrive at your conclusions are completely opposite to what a left-brained person would be accustomed. You probably find it easy to express yourself using art, dance, or music. Some occupations usually held by a right-brained person are forest ranger, athlete, beautician, actor/actress, craftsman, and artist.

Your left brain/right brain percentage was calculated by combining the individual scores of each half's sub-categories. They are as follows:

Left Brain

• Linear
• Sequential
• Symbolic
• Logical
• Verbal
• Reality-based

Right Brain

• Holistic
• Random
• Concrete
• Intuitive
• Nonverbal
• Fantasy-oriented

Each of these 12 categories has its own distinctive influence in shaping how you think, learn, and perceive the world around you. A detailed evaluation of your brain type has been prepared and is waiting for you. Order the full report now for this information and an insight on why you are who you are!

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eeks! now i'm lost. which is which?

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (40%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (48%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Love always finds a way

Holding you near
After the storm has passed
It becomes clear
When all our tears have finally dried
That no matter how we fools
May try to turn the tide

And in this moment when the magic seems to fade
We must remember then that's the time to keep on
Believing and I'll be a friend

If we both trust
In what we really feel
The two of us
Can hold tomorrow in our hands
All it takes is just the faith to truly understand that...

Love always finds a way
When the clouds have no silver lining
She comes thru shining
Love always sees the light
Through the darkest night
In a small way
Love always finds a way

Eeks!

How accurate is a woman's instinct? In most cases, mine is precise. But when it comes to romance, I could be a little insensitive at times. Honestly, I can't guess a person's feelings based solely upon his actions. I don't want to read signs because there's a danger in miscalculating and misjudging. For now, I refuse to believe what my heart tells me. What I'll believe instead: If a man really likes a woman, he will do anything and everything just to be with her. If he doesn't, then there's no sense in writing stuff like this. Eeeks!

I have resolved that maybe, what I want is not exactly what God wants for me. Therefore, I will wait for the person God will send me because I know that when He grants wishes, He never falls short and gives only the best. Sounds like a trite saying but it's true! God is always good and just.

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Your Birth Month is May

Unique and creative, you seek your own path in life. You love change and are able to adapt to any situation. Your soul reflects: Sweetness, joy, and a complete life. Your gemstone: Emerald Your flower: Lily of the Valley Your colors: Yellow, red, and green

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

What kind of thinker are you?

Your Thinking is Abstract and Sequential

You like to do research and collect lots of information. The more facts you have, the easier it is for you to learn. You need to figure things out for yourself and consider all possibilities. You tend to become an expert in the subjects that you study. It's difficult for you to work with people who know less than you do. You aren't a very patient teacher, and you don't like convincing people that you're right.

What Kind of Thinker Are You?

About Schmidt

I've always loved Jack Nicholson the same way I've always adored Robert De Niro. They are absolutely the most prolific actors of this time. No questions asked.

Anyway, Jack was hilariously irritating in As Good as it Gets, charmingly vicious in The Departed and falsely mad in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Can anything be more interesting than those?

Well, there is one more Jack character that I so love. His portrayal of Warren Schmidt in About Schmidt is for me, his best so far. I was ready for a laugh trip given the first person perspective of the lead character and how his mind thought freely after his retirement from an insurance company in Omaha, Nebraska. Sure, there were funny moments especially when a very "bold" Kathie Bates flirts with Jack in a steaming tub (that was hilarious and I didn't see it coming, Christ's sake!)...but I found myself crying towards the climax of the film. I hate myself for being a cry baby. Really, I am. Not too many films have made me weep though. This one did.

I somehow understand Warren's feelings. I felt really sorry for him that his job, his wife and even his daughter (who got married to a man Warren didn't think his daughter deserved) have all perished from his life and that ultimately in a time when he needed to get reassured that he led a good life, no one was there to convince him he did, not even himself. And so all the doubts came haunting him all throughout his journey. One simple yet meaningful drawing from a kid a thousand miles distant made him shed the tears he's been trying to keep for so long.

I guess all of us, at some point in our lives begin to question if we truly succeeded in life, if we made even a minute difference in this big old world we live in. I do get scared looking ahead myself, worrying that the same fate old Warren had trodden would happen to me.

But then, I believe...it's not what you've accomplished that matters in this life. It's how you accomplished all your triumphs and how well you handled your misfortunes and got up from them that truly matter in life. The question is not about what you've become for you could be the most famous actor or politician but it won't equate happiness and contentment. It is how you managed yourself as you earned your successes.

"I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me?"

-- Warren Schmidt

As Warren asks himself these favorite lines of mine from the film, he does get answered instantly. That no matter how little a good deed is, it does make a difference.

Gone with the Wind

I cried a bucket of tears towards the end of this film. Poor Scarlett O'Hara. She had love right in front of her but had to see it go away.

Need To Be Next To You

Leigh Nash

Been running from this feeling for so long
Telling my heart I didn't need it
Pretending I was better off alone
But I know that it's just a lie
So afraid to take a chance again
So afraid of what I feel inside

But I need to be next to you, oh I, oh I
I need to share every breath of you, oh I, oh I
I need to know I can see you smile each morning
Look into your eyes each night for the rest of my life
Here with you, near with you, oh I
I need to be next to you

Need to be next to you

Right here with you is right where I belong
I lose my mind if I can't see you
Without you there's nothing in this life
That would make life worth living for
I can't make it if you're not there
I can't fight what I feel any more

I need to have your arms next to mine for all the time
Holding for all my life
I need to be next to you
I need to be next to you, oh I, oh I
Need to be, need to be next to you
Share every breath of you
I need to feel you in my arms baby, in my arms baby
I need to be next to you, oh I, oh I

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Goodness! I'm hopeless! Hate it.

Narito lang ako....nyekekek!

"Ang pag-ibig ko ay wholesome."

I remember uttering this to my officemate this afternoon. Honestly, there are a lot of romantic ideas about him floating in my head but none of those include sexual desires or or anything close to that. I'm just really infatuated in a teeny-bopperish kind of way. I want to hug him the way I embrace my teddy bear. I want to watch his every step. I need to be near him and to always be there for him.

Sana lang napapansin niya ako. Kaya lang sa sobrang tangkad niya at sobrang liit ko, malamang hindi nga niya alam na...narito lang ako. Nyekekek! Parang kanta 'yun ah! Pagdating ng Panahon. Haha!