With You

       

With you 

there's no harmony and no conflict,

no distance and no closeness,

no speaking and no silence,

 no joy and no sadness.

With you

I won't have to guess,

won't have to worry,

won't have to be stressed.

With you

there's no one to avoid,

or be afraid to be intimate with,

or run away from once feelings get deep.

With you

I can spare myself from heartache,

or worry our bond would break,

or fear our connection would lead to hate.

But you are a wall,

and living that way is not living at all.

I want to know how it feels to love and hate,

to hope and to despair,

and to finally risk losing or having it all.

 

Loving Someone You Cannot Have

Loving someone you cannot have. Such a sad feeling when after so many years you finally meet someone you feel good about, has all the qualities you have been looking for and even those you never thought you needed but then it turns out this person isnt someone you are supposed to even want.

There must have been a glitch in my brain. I am usually the most rational one in the family, always knew how to separate reality from imagination, possible from the impossible, truth from lie...but I don't know what happened along the way. 

I cannot forget this person. I cannot move on. I believe the only solution to this is to have amnesia. That's why I loved Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The basic premise of the movie involves removing every memory of that one person you loved so much so you can move on and be free from being trapped in a cycle of hating and loving that same person over and over again. But then, the movie also shows that ultimately, we can never run away from it...so I dont know anymore. I guess I'll just have to be busy with things and keep working on my list of things to do before my endowment.

Speaking of my endowment, I plan to have it on the 15th of July. However that is going to be a Wednesday and my fellow RS sisters won't be available. I would love to have it on a weekend. Problem is, I feel obliged to pay for their transportation and I can't just let them go hungry. It will take a while so I feel the need to treat them at least for lunch. However, full time missionaries told me not to burden myself about those when I told them. They said the sisters will be there to support and they have been doing that without expecting anything in return to every member who had been endowed. So I guess I will have to move it to the 18th then? 

Thoughts on the Korean series Marrying a Millionaire

I finally finished watching Marrying a Millionaire and though it actually had a happy ending, I was hoping to see more of Eun Young and Young Hoon together in their happier, less problematic moments as a couple.

Anyway, this series touched my heart so deeply. I guess, I related to it because it really isn't a formulaic love story where in one lead is rich and the other one is poor...and that basically would always be the thing they had to deal with. In this series, both leads are actually poor and somehow struggling in a society that is kind to the fortunate and privileged, but brutal to those that were lacking.

For me, it is the simplicity in the manner in which these ordinary characters reacted during tough situations and how they spoke from their hearts' sincerest feelings that made a deep connection to my heart. A man who has struggled to find a way to survive despite his lack of intelligence. A woman who stood by his side even at a chance of a better life. A family that needed to have a reason before realizing to do what's right.

I don't remember crying this much for a series, or maybe my memory isn't all that good. But what I really liked about it is that it doesn't focus merely on romance. Rather, it uses romance as a platform to tackle more important issues in life such as persistence through difficulties, hope despite failures, kindness, gratitude and forgiveness. Most of all, it tells us that love indeed conquers every battle. There isn't anything in this world that cannot be done when you have someone behind you, to inspire and encourage you to become a better person each day.

And yes, Go Soo made me cry again. He was able to depict Young Hoon's pure heart through the softness in his tone, the sincerity in his delivery and the warmth and kindness in his gaze. And though some characters went outright villainous, almost every one had some form of a redemption. In real life, nobody is totally bad. There is always a good in there somewhere.

Well, this series is now one of my all time favorites. I think I might have explained why a little too much. 

Why do I have a feeling I am being stalked? 

I have reached the edge of the cliff with him. It used to be either a hot or cold feeling for him. Now it is just indifference. Everyday, my heart is growing bitter and I do not like this feeling. I want to go back to how my life was a year ago, when I was more active, more positive, more happy. I want to set myself free from things that won't make me become a better me. I guess, it is time to move on.

Who on earth posts a picture of himself happily smoking? Even if he did it for a photoshoot, he must understand that magazines and cigarette companies use those images to sell products. He isn't selling a cigarette, he is promoting himself. Or maybe, he knows it is bad for the health and image but he looks handsome on the picture therefore he should post it. Well now, he has gotten even more shallow. I wish to think not. I like him but some of the things he does are annoying. And yes, I am not blinded by faith. I won't kiss his ass just because I like him.

Living Free

On my way home every night, I'd often chance upon an American man who preaches God's words to whoever would listen. I see him every night and in my own quiet way I'd listen to him every time. And as much as I love everything he preaches, I couldn't look at him, trying to avoid even the slightest of eye contact with him because I'm scared that if I did, he wouldn't easily let me go and teach some more. Also, I don't trust strangers easily and I've noticed too that some crooks have been using the Lord's name to trick other people. How dare them!

So every time I stood in a long line of passengers waiting for a jeepney at the terminal, I felt blessed to be hearing the words of the Lord. Sometimes, I would even whisper an amen as response to his preachings. It never fails to make me feel good.

Still, what is the sense of claiming to be blessed and absorbing every biblical passage if I do not completely trust? And this has always been my struggle on a daily basis. I don't fully trust anyone and  tend to always overthink. In doing that, I become afraid to try learning and experiencing new things.

My aunt told me to get married and start having a family. I told her, there's nobody to marry. Haha! And then all of a sudden, without knowing anything about my personal life, she said that nobody is perfect, that someone will always have a flaw and that loving someone means accepting both their positive and negative qualities.

In my previous attempts at love, whenever I'd see a flaw in character I'd run away even at the start of the getting to know stage. And even when I had a virtual "boyfriend" I wanted so bad to be free the moment I found out some of his negative traits.

But I guess, my aunt's right. I may be too idealistic, I don't get to be realistic. So I want to try trusting people. I want to allow them in my life despite my skepticism. I don't want to shelter my heart anymore. I don't want to run away anymore and always be afraid of tomorrow. Guess I need to start living free and maybe then, I could truly be happy. 

First of all, there is humanity on earth! 

He posted something other than a picture of his pretty face. He was still in the picture, but at least he's in a restaurant, posing in a candid way. For that, I'm so happy. And please, heaven help us no more of  pictures having a "blemish" caption. I couldn't even find a single mark on his face. Geez, if his face is a representation of blemish, then what would my face be representing? A huge pimple? Hahaha! Is he that vain to worry about a blemish that doesn't exist? I seriously cannot! Haha!

Well anyway, as for the real reason why I'm writing this...It is because finally, my Korean friend was able to give my gift to him, or should I say, to his manager. You see, before my travel to Korea, I had planned to give him a gift if I were to see him. But he wasn't in Korea when I came so I asked this very good friend to give it to him if she'd ever see him personally. And today, she gave it to his manager. 

Right now, I don't know if he has my gift. I suppose he has. If he doesn't, I also wouldn't be surprised. Honestly, I don't know what to feel. Should I be happy or sad? I'm actually more of anxious. Will he like the cap I gave him? It isn't too fancy. I hardly buy gifts for guys, just for my dad and brother. 

So I was really worried and all...until my friend convinced me to think otherwise. She said that whether he likes our gift or not, what's important is, we put our hearts into our gifts. Yup. That relieved me actually.

And she's right too. These celebrities are far too distant from us. There is no way to know who they really are. And we can't blame them if they don't like to open up or if they aren't in the mood to talk to a fan. I think she's right too when she mentioned that based on that last encounter, we should just like him as an actor and not as much as a person, or we'd be disappointed. 

I guess the problem is really us, not him. You see, we keep finding the qualities we think he possesses based on the interviews we've seen and the transcripts we've read of him. I've realized, that is both not fair to him and to us. We created a perfect being of him in our minds. The problem is, he is not perfect. Nobody is. And why do I have a wishlist of pictures I wish to see on his account? Am I his wife or something? Haha! 

I cannot believe how much more immature I've become ever since I became a fangirl. From now on, I will look at his pictures and like them if I truly like them. If I find a picture too narcissistic, then I won't hit the like button. Simple as that. I really don't care anymore if he shows a human side because maybe through his postings, he's actually trying to be himself.

I actually thought about it this morning...Maybe it's better that he posts those things than be so addicted to posting about everything. I am guilty of that myself, taking a picture of my food, posting it before eating. Think I'm addicted to social media and I may be nearing the hopeless case. So, I promise to live life normally from today on. 

I will still be a fangirl. Heck, my heart still leaps every time I see him. But I will try to go back to being a normal fangirl. Not the too obsessive, manipulative, judgemental fan that I always am. Actually, I'm more critical of those that I love more than those that I don't. I am myself's worst critic. 

So I hope he forgives me for putting so much pressure on him. I'll try to be a better fan next time. Just please, I pray he doesn't get to be superficial and narcissistic. Please????

Well there...he's at it again. I don't think I will like it. I mean, I like the picture but I don't like his being narcissistic yet again so I won't be clicking the like button of that picture. Nah! Oh gosh...why do I have a love-hate thing for him? One moment I adore him, the other I totally hate what he does. Guess I need to find something else to do or someone else to like. Heck! I need to get married. Now!!! But geez...I gotta have a boyfriend first, right? Screw that! I'm a hopeless case. Lol.

There's this dialogue from one of my favorite teen movies Some Kind of Wonderful that didn't really mean anything to me then but which makes more sense to me now.

"You can't judge a book by its cover."

"But you could pretty much tell much it would cost you."

As you all know, I like this thespian so much and I've been in love with him for several months now. Honestly, I still do...till now. I cannot fight it at the moment. Haha! But I guess my liking has been reduced to a superficial level. And I will tell you why.

He's quite new to social media and just recently created his own account. When fans found out about it, everyone including myself jumped at the chance of following him, leaving comments and stuff. I was so eager to post and was really enjoying myself, seeing all his postings...until my scrutinizing, idealistic self started to creep in again.

Little by little, I was observing his posts, analyzing the things he was showing. He likes to get his pictures from other fan accounts and post them on his account. He likes taking selfies, whatever angle, wherever, inside his car, at the airport, at the bus station, anywhere. He likes to post pictures and videos of himself doing boxing trainings. Aside from that he likes to follow sexy girls, mostly the Caucasian looking ones.

Yup, I know that is his account. It is his business. And I should be happy to see him post and all. But, I have a mind that analyzes all by itself and I couldn't control it. My head goes: What? Too many selfies and pictures that I already have in my computer. He really likes seeing his face eh. Does he love himself so much? Is he a narcissist? And what about those sexy girls? Why is he following them when he could be following his friends? As for the training videos, it's fine but goodness, when you show sports stuff to mostly female fans, they will only look at it because they either want to stare at your legs, your abs or see how much you sweat coz fangirls love everything even when they don't. You know when a joke isn't funny but a cute guy says it and girls still laugh? That sort of thing. Haha!

Anyway, I really cannot judge him based on a few posts, right? That would be unfair to him. He hasn't really posted much so I couldnt really tell how he is as a person. And that becomes the problem. Based on his posts so far, all I see is a self-absorbed man who likes to look good, show off and chase sexy women. Ouch!

Because of the lack of "humanity" in his posts, he seems to be just that...a pretty hard-bound book that doesn't contain much and that which you can guess the cost by just looking at. I love him. I wish I didn't. But somehow, all of those guys I have liked in the past had some selfless quality in them. I'm sure he has. I have just not seen. And frankly, he doesn't need to have a reason to show that quality to anyone. I know. He's a very private person.

But then, even in the simplest things can a person's heart be seen. How I wish to see him post about the coffee he drank today, or the dvd copy of the movie he watched yesterday, or maybe the book he reads to his children at night. But maybe, I was expecting too much. Maybe, it is my fault that I created this perfect image of him. Maybe, in posting what he has been posting, he was actually being honest and more 'human'. I don't know...

I guess, I should really just love him as an actor with great acting ability and a beautiful face. Problem is, a beautiful face isn't all I look for in a person. I need to see a  beautiful soul. Now I'm not too sure how far this madness will go.

A pretty face without substance is like a movie with a catchy teaser but without a story. I don't think I will last. I hate myself when I like someone at a superficial level.


P.S. And one last thing. If he's going to grab pictures from his fan accounts, he might as well get one from each so everybody is happy. I mean, it's not like we're that many.