On me, not on my craft

It has always been easy answering personal questions with each bible study that's held in the office. This afternoon was rather unusual. Hazel, our spiritual counselor asked, "What is the biggest struggle that you have now and what could be God's message in putting you into that difficult situation?"

Nobody dared to answer. I'd usually take the initiative and lobby myself to express my thoughts. For the first time, I didn't know what to say. Really, I didn't know what to answer. Hazel somehow managed to squeeze out some ideas from my faint clouds of thought.

I wanted to speak about my non-existent love life, but that would be so petty. Still, I wanted to be true. True to myself and ultimately, true to the Lord. Yes, I'm struggling with a strong liking for someone of the opposite sex. And that I do get...disoriented every time he passes by. I get weak that sometimes I feel like I'm Superman and he's my kryptonite. But there is another side to it which is way more complex than mere infatuation for someone.

Some three years past, I've been trying to finish a script which I had long wished to enter into a scriptwriting contest. I have the idea. In fact, I finished it all up in my head ages ago. But translating it into words has been my biggest problem. Though I'm working full-time, I try to write at night, before going to bed. I type endlessly until I get sleepy. But my lazy, fickle mind can sometimes lack intention and drive.

Last December, I was intent on completing it. It didn't seem quite an impossibility because I had no worries then. All I ever desired for is to keep doing what I love doing and if I ever achieve success in doing it, I'd be the happiest person. So I had set my dream one more time...Not until I developed this crazy liking for someone. And the dream was nowhere in sight again. No matter how I try to motivate myself, I can't continue with the script anymore.

So there, I had to tell Hazel that this "inspiration" thing instead of helping me, has been causing my creative juices (or whatever is left of it) to set into oblivion. Not that I don't like the feeling of being inspired. But I need to have focus. I need to see the important. Every time he's around, I lose my mind. I need the Lord to help me overcome this feeling, for I know if there's really nothing...it will be gone soon.

What could God be teaching me? I couldn't answer. Hazel was just as puzzled as I was. Still, I managed to analyze things and now before going to bed I finally realized this: Maybe I haven't been taking risks at improving what I believe I'm good at. Maybe I've become so lax and complacent that I stopped growing. Maybe, blaming a frustrated romance is just a way of denying the true problem. I've been trying to overshadow fiction with my personal struggles. The focus has shifted on me, not on my craft.